November 26, 2012

And then I didn't make the basketball team.

Today I exercised.  3 miles on the elliptical thingy (it's different than an elliptical... but I'm not sure what it was).  Yay!  I should rejoice... but I can't help thinking "uh, okay really, how long will this going to the gym thing last... and what is it exactly that will eventually stop me from going?"  I don't think I just get "busy or lazy or..." when I skip out on the gym.  It's deeper.

It's always something deeper.

I believe in this statement.  It never fails to explain people.  The things people say.  The things people do.  The insecurities people have.  I think it is because of something that has happened to them in the past.  It isn't necessarily something extreme, but it's something that made an impact on them at a certain time in their life.  If someone doesn't like sharing things that belong to them, maybe it was because they were pushed around when they were younger.  If someone constantly wants the attention to be on them, maybe it's because they felt ignored by their parents.  

I have MANY issues in my life.  You can laugh, but really, I think we all do.  It's okay.  We will never be perfect on this earth.  Something in my life that could be explained by saying "it's something deeper" is working out.  I think I could throw all things athletic into that category.  Basically, I used to think I liked sports.  I wore the Nike shorts, bought the oversized shirts, wore the tall socks and pretended I knew about pro sports teams.  I thought it was who I was.  I tried to define myself by this.  In the 4th grade.  hahaha Yeah.  

Then, in the 7th grade I tried out for the basketball team.  It was a time when I could actually play on a real team.  I was very excited and I remember thinking "finally! I can play a real sport on a real team..." but you see, I didn't make it.  And it hurt me.  My confidence was gone. 

This still messes with me today.  I don't typically think back to the 7th grade when I dread going to the gym, but I do know that there are lots of negative feelings associated with working out because I didn't make the team.  This is my "something deeper."  

Now, not everyone remembers things that happened to them way back when and not many associate one particular event with another.  I'm a rather sensitive soul. I would even say I'm an over-sensitive soul, but don't tell me that because I might cry. haha

Call me crazy, but when I go into the gym to work-out I have this major insecurity that comes out.  I seriously think through all this stuff: I don't belong here, everyone here is in shape, people are wondering about my life and why I'm in the gym.  STUPID STUFF. But, if I'm honest, all that crap goes through my head.  I think if I'm going to keep exercising and "training" for a half marathon (remember, I'm not running one, Kendall is), I have to get over this. Here are some truth reminders for myself.  

1. Low pride is a real thing.  I think Dr. Duvall preached on this once.  It hits home in my life.  The idea behind low pride is that you feel that everyone is thinking about you and watching you and judging what you're doing.  You believe that people are consumed with you.  Let me remind you (speaking to myself): they're not.  They really don't care that you just tripped while going up the stairs or that you splashed water in your face at the drinking fountain.  THEY DON'T CARE.  They aren't watching you.  Get over yourself. :) 

2. It's allllllll mental.  Having the right mind-set while working out is great.  Believing that it is possible to work out regularly and maintain a schedule is important.  I also think it's necessary to remember my goals.  I would love to lose weight, but that cannot be the focus.  If that's my focus, I'm going to be let down.  I want to exercise to gain energy.  I want to exercise so I can run! I want to exercise so I can hike!  These are motivators that are positive and proven to happen.  The more you run, they better you'll become.  BAM. 

3. Things take time.  I will not instantly be able to run.  It's not like POOF, now you can run a half marathon (which, I'm not so, it really doesn't matter. hahaha).  I've got to work up to that.  Starting by regularly working out.  I might get discouraged, but I just have to push through and remember the points I'm listing right now. 

4. I'm freaking not alone. God cares about us.  He really does.  He cares about our health.  He is with me when I want to stop.  He provides strength like none other.  He helps us to persevere when we don't see success.  I believe that having discipline in this area of my life with translate to the other areas, as well-- right Ken?

While writing this I realized that although I'm training for a half marathon... that's not actually what I'm writing about.  So, just so we're clear.  Not my focus or goal.  It's really more to run and hike.  I love being outside, but I don't feel confident enough to exercise outside.  I'll work up to that.  

Note: Lecrae's album "Rebel" will PUMP YOU UP.
Mmm! My favorites: "Don't Waste Your Life" and "Go Hard"

1 comment:

  1. Leigha. I am so happy we are on this journey together. your posts brighten my day